Advice and Trust Backstage
by Panther2G
Summary: Filming a major series like Advice & Trust is hard work, but the dedicated crew of actors make it happen. But from the wild social butterfly playing Rei Ayanami to the globetrotting adventurer playing Gendo Ikari, things can get a little strange. These are the true stories of what goes on behind the scenes and between takes at Avalon Studios...
1. Chapter 1 - Backstage Is Weird

Sometimes, when I need to do something a little silly, or the idea for some scenes present themselves, I have the characters step back from the 'set' for a bit, and see what's going on 'behind the camera'. What began as some random comedy bits has become a big enough parallel story in A&T that I thought it was time to post them here… especially since the 2017 A&T Christmas Special hit 5200 words, all written on Christmas Eve.

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And keep in mind, one of the main jokes I started and ran with is the 'actors' playing each part are usually as different as possible from their characters in the 'show': Shinji's a quietly confident young man who has a great relationship with his parents, Asuka's a shy ingénue off-stage, Rei is an extroverted social butterfly, Gendo is a laid back cool dad and the most friendly member of the cast, and so on…

Actually… Gendo is pretty much The Dude from _The Big Lebowski_.

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Hey, I'm stuck in Baghdad and 6723.19 miles from my family, (yes, I checked) so why not?

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We're up to 10 Backstage segments now, though the early ones are short.

In the meantime, enjoy!

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Filming a major series like Advice & Trust is hard work, but the dedicated crew of actors make it happen. But from the wild social butterfly playing Rei Ayanami to the globetrotting adventurer playing Gendo Ikari, things can get a little strange. These are the true stories of what goes on behind the scenes and between takes at Avalon Studios…

 **Backstage #1 - Griping**

Rei: "Man, I hate doing some of these comedy omakes. I always come off sounding like a total space-case. Or worse, like I'm obsessing over the new guy. I mean, he does have a _great_ ass, but still..."

Asuka: "Hey, you liked doing the Heartwarming one. Or all the 'We Can't Post This Here!' ones for the 'Israfel Special AU!'."

Rei: "Oh yeah, I loved those. Especially the rehearsals." :-3

Shinji: "Am I going to have to take more vitamin E tonight?"

Asuka: "Like you're complaining?"

Shinji: "Do I look stupid?"

Asuka: "Not yet, but I can guarantee you're gonna have one of those 'ahegao's by tonight!"

Shinji: "I love this project..."

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Elsewhere:

Ritsuko: "We can't film this next part! Me and Maya chasing Rei with tranq guns while she terrifies Aoba in a closet? GreggHL's going to sue!"

Fuyutsuki: "At least you've got a part. The way things are going, I'm half worried I'm going to end up shipped with the Commander."

Hyuga: "...MY EYES! I CAN'T UNSEE IT!"

Gendo: "My character would say 'Fuck all y'all', but I'm just going to put out the sandwiches I made for everyone and pack another bowl. Anyone want a hit?" ~bong gurgles~

Aoba: ~takes the bong, does a hit~ "Dude, you are so much more chill than your character." ~coughs~

Gendo: "I know, I'm awesome. Who wants chips?"


	2. Chapter 2 - Rei & Kaworu

**Backstage #2 - Rei & Kaworu**

Meanwhile, backstage:

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Rei: "I hate it when the Director demands we 'Be Funny! Camera's running!'. Jerk."

Kaworu: "You're grumpy. Usually the end of the day's shooting means you're all happy and stuff. Then you grab me or Shinji or Asuka or a _combination_ of us and drag us off to your trailer for 'rehearsals'. What's the matter?"

Rei: "That scene he just made us do, that's what! _Fuck_ , that was depressing! I hate it when he makes me cry just from reading the script! God, I want a drink or something."

Gendo: ~walks by, puffing on a huge joint. Hands another one, already lit, to Rei~ "Relax, babe. You're too cute to get worry lines so young. Enjoy being 18, young, and surrounded by hot people!"

Rei: ~takes a deep hit~ "Oh, God, thank you, Gendo. I love you. You always have the most dank sticky icky."

Gendo: "I know, I'm the shit. Remember: 'Hard work good and hard work fine, but first take care of head'." ~sage nod~

Kaworu: "...that was Bob Marley. You just quoted Bob Marley at us like it was Zen."

Gendo: "At least it was in English?"

Kaworu: "Aren't we theoretically speaking Japanese?"

Gendo: "Fuck if I know, dude. I'm so baked it could be Esperanto for all I can tell." ~takes a drag on the joint~

Kaworu: "I have _no idea_ how you manage to do all your scenes like that."

Gendo: "Why do you think I'm always wearing those sunglasses? My eyes are so red most of the time, I look like I'm about to start crying blood."

Rei: "Aww yeah, it's kickin' in... I feel more mellow already."

Aoba: "Miss Ayanami! Miss Ayanami! The Director needs you two back on set right away! He's got some more pages to shoot."

Rei: ~coughs out a lungful of Acapulco Gold~ "...aw fuck. This is going to be a weird scene. I'm already feeling a buzz comin' on..."

Kaworu: "Damn it. The last time this happened, she kept giggling in the middle of when she was supposed to be mad at me, and 'booping' my nose instead of slapping me."

Gendo: "Aw, yeah, that one was awesome! Totally goin' in the blooper reel. Like the time I pantsed Fuyutsuki right before we shot the first battle scene in Central Dogma! Tighty-whities, who knew?"

Rei: "C'mon, Rainbow Trout. If I gotta shoot another scene while stoned, I'm gonna at least get some good snogging in."

Kaworu: "Rei, there's not supposed to be any making out in this scene. We just had a tense, emotionally draining conversation, remember?"

Rei: "Hey, bigshot Director calls us back in after he told us we were done for the day, he gets me in full 'I wanna snog' mode and takes his chances. 'Sides, are you complaining?"

Kaworu: "You know what? You're right." ~takes the joint from Rei, takes a big hit, and hands it back to Gendo~ "Alright!" ~cough, cough, cough~ "Let's do this shit!"

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	3. Chapter 3 - Mari Makinami, PA

**Backstage #3 - Mari Makinami, PA**

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The young, handsome Eva Pilot on the roof had no idea what was about to hit him. The predator stalking him was too fast, too good, too _hot_ to be evaded. Her parachute swept swiftly downward, swooping in like a sexy, skirt-clad hawk.

The young man had only a half-second to look up, his eyes widening and jaw dropping before the hottest girl he'd ever seen plowed right into him, chest-first.

The lithe, be-stockinged woman was rather pleased she was so on-target, and didn't mind at all the feeling of wrapping her legs around him for a second. The landing did bounce her stylish red-framed glasses off her face, though. They clattered to a landing near her as she popped the parachute's harness off. Figuring the young man would be staring at this beauteous creature that had just fallen on him from Heaven, she made sure to arch her back and point her toned, athletic rear at him while she hunted for her glasses. Soon, she'd have him right under her hands, and she'd-

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Asuka: " **Mari**! Where's my lunch?!"

Mari: ~dropping her notebook in surprise~ "Ah! Um! Er, Miss Soryu! I was...was just on my way to get it!"

Asuka: "...I told you I'd be back off set in 45 minutes, and to have my lunch ready. You're _supposed_ to be my Personal Assistant, remember? Not... are you writing your stupid fanfic again?"

Mari: "N-no, of course not! Ahahah! Why would I do that?" ~tries to hide the notebook~

Asuka: ~glaring at the notebook in Mari's lap~ "You totally were, weren't you? That stuff is terrible! You're always making your obvious self-insert such a Mary Sue!"

Mari: "I was not! And Miss Illustrious is _not_ a Mary Sue! She's just hot and awesome and all the boys like her and she's the best Pilot and... and..."

Asuka: ~just stares at Mari and taps her foot~

Mari: "...I'll go get your lunch, ma'am."

Asuka: "You go do that. I've got a scene with Misato and Ritsuko in an hour, and I am not doing that on an empty stomach. I swear, that fake-blonde can't do _one_ scene without forgetting a line. She's going to make it take all afternoon. And if you see that sexy boyfriend of mine, tell him I'll be in my trailer."

Mari: "Yes, ma'am." ~skitters off towards the catering trucks~ ~muttering~ "...I'm totally putting a scene in the next chapter where I steal your Eva and do _awesome, cool things_ with it that not even you can do! Like a secret backdoor codeword only I know to access the super-power mode! Yeah, that's it! And I save the day and get Shinji's attention!"

Asuka: ~shouting after her~ "And quit trying to sneak pages of your story into the script! An Angel that's nothing but bones? That was ridiculous!"

Mari: ~mutter mutter mutter~ "My legs look better in a skirt..."


	4. Chapter 4 - Naughtilus

**Backstage #4 - Naughtilus**

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"And a double Knob Creek on the rocks. Make it snappy. I've got a headache," The Director growled at him. On the set in front of him, Rei and Kaworu kept breaking into giggles every time their eyes met.

The tall, relatively lean Production Assistant nodded tiredly. "Yessir." He turned to the short bird sitting in the chair next to the Director. "And you, Mr. Pen Pen?"

The hot-springs penguin waved a flipper at him. "My usual, Naughtilus. And stop and get me some decent tuna sushi on the way, I'm feeling peckish," he said without looking up from his copy of _The Times_. The crossword puzzle was mostly filled out. He somehow put a pen back behind where he didn't even have an ear, then rubbed the chin he didn't have either.

The Director threw a prop pillow at the pair on set. "Goddamit, you two!" he roared at the two still snickering in the set of Rei's bedroom. "Go make out behind the set for a minute, whatever it takes to stop you from breaking into giggles every time we try to shoot this scene! We're a week behind shooting schedule!"

"No, no, we got this! Really!" Kaworu said, smothering the last of his chortling. "Right, Rei?"

"Hee hee AHEM! Ok, yeah, we're good!" She took one last drag on the her 'cigarette' and flicked it off to the side, neatly nailing a trash can full of shredded scraps of paper, which promptly caught fire.

"I see Miss Makinami latest attempt to 'improve' the master script has been caught and intercepted?" Pen Pen said dryly, his Oxford accent adding an arch note to the inquiry.

The Director nodded, wincing. "This time it was some garbage about her sniping robots from orbit while she's falling in reentry or something. Who has Evas flying around in space? What does she think this is, some Gundam knock-off? Fortunately, we have plenty of expendable interns and PAs to stand guard." He waved at the retreating PA. "He's still kinda weird. His shirt is giving me a headache."

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"So tired... no sleep... Mari will eat me..." the tall PA mumbled, slouching half-awake towards the catering area cum bar at the far end of the cavernous set warehouse.

Narrowed eyes behind red-rimmed glasses watched him go past from the shadows. It had been a difficult week getting her scenes added to the shooting script. The Director was getting canny to her usual tricks, and Miss Soryu had kept her occupied nearly every moment with task after task. Still, she persevered! Her great works must be seen to the world! She would make this project _even better_ by adding her parts! At least, Mister Ikari the Younger hadn't seemed to mind the one time she'd trick-AHEM... suggested and they'd run through a rough version of the part where she introduced her character to him chest and thighs first. It had been going great until Miss Soryu had...um... caught her.

But still! Setbacks were for overcoming! And now the guards had been worn down and distracted. And now, though her first draft was currently on fire, she had a backup set ready! And some _more_ scenes, with her blowing the head off a rogue Eva and looking awesome! Yes!

She stealthily moved from shadow to shadow, and unseen, undetectable ghost in the background. She made it to within sight of the master script book, laying in the open on a table near the middle of the planning area. No one was in sight. Perfect! She scooted closer, and began flipping through the pages still to be shot, looking for a good spot to insert her-

"Whatcha doin'?"

Mari Illustrious Makinami, future superstar and great author, did _not_ spring into the air with a startled shriek, flailing her arms as she spun around. It just looked that way to the uninitiated. "WhatwhowhereIwasn'tdoinganythingMissSoryu!"

The young girl with the blue kerchief staring at her just blinked. "I'm Sakura Suzuhara! Are you in the tv show?" she introduced herself cheerfully.

"Sakura Su-" Mari looked nervously around. The stoic, erudite, and entirely too muscular and strong other Suzuhara was nowhere in sight. "Are... shouldn't you be with your big brother? I didn't know you were allowed to run around without him." If he wasn't here, that was fine with Mari. The classically-trained and wickedly intelligent young man was #1 the only guy who could keep up with Pen Pen and Fuyutsuki when the frequent philosophical discussions sprang up, and #2 had a very low tolerance for Mari's messin- _improving_ the script.

"Big brother is off with his fiancée looking at boring books on fabric patterns or something," the young girl complained. "Whatcha doin'?"

"I'm... just helping out with the script," Mari said, an innocent smile on her face. Behind her, her hands resumed sliding new pages into place in the book. "It needed a little something extra to-"

"My big brother says you're not supposed to do that, I think. I'm gonna tell."

"No no no no, don't do that!" Mari waved her hands. "I'll... I'll... um... hey! Do _you_ want to be in the TV show?"

The young girl looked warily interested. "...keep talkin'."

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* * *

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The Director looked down at the page, back up at the set, and back at the page again. "When did _she_ get a part? Who built this set? Who names a ship the _AAA Wunder_? What the _fuck_ is going on in this scene? Why is Miss Suzuhara suddenly listed as 'totally a grown up, like 22 and everything!'?"

"...why am I suddenly a fucking _pirate_?" Asuka growled. "I don't care how cute this hat is, I want to know why I suddenly need to borrow costume gear from the gottverdammten _Pirates of the Caribbean_ set!"

The Director pulled off his hat and smacked himself in the face with it. "Naughtilus, I'm going to have you fed to Zeruel for this. You had _one_ job!"

"He's just a animatronic set, right?" the PA asked nervously. "Haha, this is a joke, right?"

"And he hates funny t-shirts," Pen Pen put in. He blew a puff of smoke out of his pipe.

Naughtilus gulped. "I'm dead."


	5. Chapter 5 - You Can (Not) Sober Up

**Backstage #5 - You Can (Not) Sober Up**

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"Psssst."

Gendo looked up from lighting the next bowl. He took a deep drag first, though. Never hurt to have a little more, be a bit more mellow, when meeting new people. This was new people, right? Wait, he needed to look at them first to find out.

"Hello? Whozzat?" he inquired carefully. "This is for personal use, officer," he added as a just-in-case.

"Down here," the voice whispered from somewhere above him.

Gendo thought for a moment, then looked up. "Hah, you can't fool me, you're not to my left!"

Mari Makinami looked down at him from her perch among the lighting racks over the Central Dogma set. "Man, you _are_ stoned. Ok, quick, I've sent that PA and his new assistant chasing Sakura again. They think she's got some more of my script pages. They don't know those are right _here_!" Mari brandished a sheaf of papers."

"So what's she got?" Gendo chased the key mystery.

"Some Chinese takeout menus with Sakura's crayon embellishments."

"Cool." Gendo took another hit. "Ok, two questions. #1, you want a hit of this? And #2, what are you showing me these pages for? I'm not in the next scene, as far as I know." He scratched at his head. "Well, as far as I can _remember_ , anyhow. It's still Tuesday, right?"

"Saturday."

"...fuck, I missed taco night!"

Mari warily looked around for any lurking production assistants or Directors before uncurling from the lighting rack like a large cat and dropping nimbly to the floor, landing in a picture-perfect three-point crouch. Gendo would have been impressed if he hadn't been looking at an actual cat that had wandered across the far side of the set.

"Whoa... a cat..." Gendo looked back up. "Hey, where'd you go?"

Mari tapped him on his left shoulder. "Er, I'm right here?"

"Oh holy shit, you _are_ to my left! Whoa, I can predict the future!" Gendo exclaimed.

"Ah, look, you're obviously a very... busy man. And I've got to get this stuff," she hefted a large bag in her left hand, "back to Miss Soryu's trailer in the next 20 minutes or she's going to notice I've been gone a suspiciously long time, even for getting this weird shopping list of hers."

"Weird?"

"Indian takeout, 10m of silk rope, six candles, 8 D-Cell batteries, some matches, and a jar of salt blessed by a Eastern Orthodox Priest," Mari explained. "I have no idea why, but she was very insistent I go get all this for her _right_ away." Mari snorted. "She smelled like rum and I _know_ that super-hot boytoy of herrrrrrrrrrrrrr, I mean your handsome and intelligent son," she hastily corrected, "was already in her trailer with her. I think she just wanted me to go away. She _could_ have just let me have a break." Mari glanced to the side. "Ok, so maybe the last time I 'took a break' we shot that scene with me parachuting onto Shinji, but still..."

Gendo blinked. "She wanted all that in a hurry, smelled like rum, and was in her trailer with my son? All afternoon?"

"Yeah."

"Man, that's my boy!" Gendo took another hit. "So, whatcha need me for? I've got the hook up, if you need," he said with a cough.

Mari grinned and held up the sheaf in her other hand. "I think you'll like these pages."

"I dunno, the last time you said that, the Director said I wasn't allowed to take anymore from you. Even if scene with the giant exploding Rei head that cried blood was pretty metal. Or was that Yui's head? Uh, what was that supposed to symbolize, again?"

Mari waved the sheaf at him. "It's too deep for you, don't worry about it," she said. "You'll get it after you sleep on it. Anyhow, you'll like this stuff. You get another scene with your son! And a way cool space-future visor. Way better than Kihl's!"

"I'm in."

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"Shinji."

"Father..." the young Pilot said tremulously, trying not to hunch over in the spotlight. The cavernous chamber housing the huge, steam hissing dome with EVA UNIT-13 stenciled across it was at the same time oppressively hot and humid, but still somehow left him chilled to the bone.

"You will Pilot Unit-13. You will do it with the Fifth Child," Gendo said ominously from within the beam of his own spotlight, on the balcony far above the hissing dome. A third spotlight snapped on behind Shinji, illuminating a smiling Kaworu Nagisa, who waved.

"Father, I have questions!" Shinji found the nerve to speak up. "What happened to NERV? Why was Misato-san and the others fighting? What happened... to... everything."

Gendo's way-cool space future visor glittered coldly in the spotlight's beam. "Shinji," Gendo said even more darkly. "Quit whining and get in the fucking giant robot."

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"CUT!" Director Strype threw his hat at the ground. "Gendo, that's not even the line! That's that same old memetic joke you keep throwing in the blooper reels! You do it in _every_ goddamn scene you and Shinji do together!"

Gendo bent over, giggling helplessly. "I'm sorry, dude, I had to! That set up was _perfect_!" He pointed at the First, Third, and Fifth Children, all of whom were likewise cracking up at the far end of the set. "Look, I just killed it! Everyone's happy!"

"I don't want 'happy', I want what's in the bloody _script_! We are already three weeks behind the shooting schedule, and _what the Hell is that thing on your face?!"_

"My way-cool space future visor."

The Director's face was a study in shades of Wut. "What is this I don't even..." He scrubbed at his face. "Fine, you know? Whatever. Space future visor. Sure. Why not?"

" _Way-cool_ space future visor."

Strype gripped the copy of the script in his hands tighter and tighter until it squeaked, and slowly turned the color of Unit-02. "Going. To Murder. **Everyone**..."

"You look like you need some of Uncle Gendo's Special Medicine," Gendo said, nodding sagely. He pulled a bag of green buds out of his pocket. "Just what the doctor ordered!"

Strype glared at him. "Since when are _you_ a doctor?"

"Hôtel-Dieu de Paris, Class of '93. I specialized in pharmacology," Gendo said peaceably. "So, you like some?"

Strype stared at him. "...you're a doctor. A medical doctor. At 26."

"I had a few years free, seemed like a thing to do. I needed something with a bit more intellectual bite after I finished the Tour de France."

"Wut."

"Ah, Mister Director? I _told_ you my dad had been everywhere, done everything," Shinji said, still wiping tears out of his eyes. "Wait until he tells you about his time in _La Légion_."

"Oui," Gendo nodded. "C'était une période de grandes aventures. Et de chevaux."

"Wut." Strype shook his head again. "I'm too sober for this."

"I can fix that!" Gendo said, smiling helpfully. He held up the baggie again.

"You shut up!" Strype picked up his hat and carefully, calmly uncrumpled his copy of the script. "Ok, now, where were we?" He peered more closely at the pages. "What, what the fuck _is_ this scene? I don't remember any 'Unit-13' in the storyboards."

"It did seem a little odd," Kaworu put in. "I mean, I thought Unit-13 was one of the Mass Production Series?"

"Shhh, that hasn't happened yet," Shinji stage whispered to him.

"Oh, right. Nevermind me!"

"Wait, this is more of that crack Makinami keeps slipping in, isn't it?" Strype said warily. "I _knew_ it! Makinami, get _down_ here! I'm going to make you an extra in _Rebuild of Aeon Entelechy Evangelion_!"

"Wasn't that a rewrite of _Aeon Natum Engel_ to start with? So, that's like Rebuild-ception!" Mari said from the rafters.

"Ah HAH! There she is!" Strype cried. "Pen Pen, grab her!"

"Tally-ho!" said the hot-springs penguin, taking flight towards the voice.

"Uh oh," Mari said. Skittering noises rapidly heading away were heard overhead, mixed in with the flapping of penguin wings.

"I thought penguins were _flightless_ birds?" Shinji said, watching Pen Pen zoom in and out of the lighting rig.

Strype scoffed. "Shows what you know, kid. Pen Pen went to _Oxford_. He learned a lot."

Shinji boggled at him. "To _fly_?"

"Did _you_ go to Oxford? Can _you_ fly?" Strype retorted.

"...no, but... huh?"

"Everyone, take five while we chase her down," Strype called to the set at large. "Gendo, get down here and take that... thing off."

"Awww..."

"But... but... but... penguins can't _fly_..." Shinji complained to Kaworu, who slung an arm around his shoulder.

"Eh, don't worry about it too much, bro. This is only a TV show," Kaworu said.

"What? What? But... he... flying penguin?"

"Who went to Oxford. Keep up, here."

"I'm too sober for this," Shinji complained.

"Let's go see the girls, and you'll feel better. Everything's better when you've got Asuka around, right?"

"Ok..." Shinji let the smiling Fifth Child lead him off towards the trailers.


	6. Chapter 6 - Secrets

**Backstage #6 - Secrets**

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Asuka put down the bottle of rum she'd ostentatiously taken a big swig from and locked the trailer door again. "There! That 'totally not for kinky sex' shopping list ought to keep that weird Production Assistant busy for awhile, and fuel some rumors." She happily bounced back over to the small bed in the corner of the trailer and flopped gently back down on top of the occupant already laying there. "Now, where were we?"

"About right here," Shinji smiled, and wrapped his arms around her again.

"Ah, good! I like this spot," Asuka said with a grin, and kissed him. She made a disappointed mew when he pulled away after just a minute.

"Asuka… I wish we didn't have to do this," he said, pursing his lips.

"Funny, you usually like making out with me."

He frowned. "You know what I mean. The whole 'spread rumors of constant wild sex, bacchanalias, threesomes, moresomes, and such' to keep the tabloids occupied and the project in the news. I want to tell everyone the truth."

"To be fair, _most_ of those things are true, and we both enjoy it," Asuka deflected.

"Asuka…"

"We can't just tell the press, Shinji. They'll just go crazier if they have something real to report. And… I want you to stay my secret treasure for a bit longer, alright? I don't want to tell anyone."

"We told Rei and Kaworu?"

Asuka snorted. "'Told them'? We didn't tell them anything. They were there!" Asuka wiggled enough to free her left arm and take his left hand across Shinji's chest. The matching rings sparkled. "They were our dang witnesses. Rei wouldn't stop hooting, for one thing."

"She was also the one who shouted 'VEGAS TRIP!' when I proposed," Shinji noted. "Seeing as how she was lying next to us."

Asuka grinned back at him. They'd 'accidentally' let the press hear about the four stars of _Advice & Trust_ skipping town for a weekend in Vegas, but only the four of them knew they'd done more than drink, gamble, and hit the strip clubs while there. Shinji and her had found just enough time to find a discreet little chapel, and become more than just a on-set fling.

 _"Holy shit, I'm_ _ **married**_ _!"_ Asuka had screamed at the parking lot on their way out, grinning from ear to ear.

"Are you sure it's all legal?" Shinji's question dragged her back to the present.

"Eh? Oh, that. Yes, of course I'm sure, baka. I'm a US citizen, and we're both 19. Perfectly legal for us to get married in Vegas. Japan has to recognize it." She nuzzled his cheek. "What are you so worried about?"

He pulled his hand from hers to wrap his arms around her again. "I don't want you to… slip away somehow. I can't be this lucky. This doesn't seem real."

"Pfft. You don't think you're this lucky? You, my dear baka, are Shinji Ikari, the famous son of the world famous actor slash adventurer slash _doctor_ Gendo Ikari. This may be your first role as the main hero, but I'm nobody. I'm only here because I was the only cute redhead at the auditions that could actually speak German, Japanese, and English fluently. And I still almost didn't get the role over that strawberry blonde chick. Now I'm the female lead in a huge new franchise and I got to date you as part of all this? That was wild enough. The 'pretend' bedroom antics with the one and only Rei Ayanami were a bonus. And that new guy. But that you _proposed_ to me? I about passed out on the spot!"

"I… thought we'd have to wait, anyhow. Not an adult in Japan until you hit 20, after all. Rei's idea for Vegas was actually… really smart." Shinji blushed. That Rei had been the one to prod Shinji into making the proposal as they all lay there after some… vigorous exertion was somehow fitting for all of them. Rei was an endlessly cheerful social butterfly off-set, with a first-class brain underneath. Somehow having her in bed with both of them, and her nudging Shinji to propose to Asuka in the afterglow felt… natural. Like Rei was supposed to be there too. She'd let off a nearly ultrasonic 'squeee' when he did and Asuka instantly accepted. "I'm glad we didn't. And you're not 'nothing', Asuka. You're… amazing. Every other girl I've dated turned out to be just after the 'me' she saw on the screen. Dad always warned me about them, and I never listened. But he liked you right away, remember?"

"That's because your dad is like, super-dad. _Everybody_ likes him. He's the most weirdly social guy I've ever met. And so laid back, too." Asuka shrugged. "And he approves of me?"

"Asuka, the day we met, my dad pulled me aside after you and I had our first scene together, pointed at you, and just said 'Her.'" Shinji rolled his eyes. "Of course, he then wandered off to go smoke half a kilo of weed with Pen Pen, but I got what he meant."

"Huh… cool," Asuka marveled. "Anyway, yes, we still have to… keep the fact that we are no-shit 100% married under wraps for a while longer. Even from your dad."

"Why?"

"Well, on top of all the 'keep the press chasing rumors' stuff, number one, because I'm pretty sure he's going to flip his lid in a good way when he does find out, and be useless for at least a week of shooting, and number two," Asuka took a calming breath, "I'm not ready to go public yet. I'm nob-...ok, I'll stop that. But I'm still a new face on her first big production, and you and everyone else here are huge stars like you, Rei, and your dad, classically trained naturals like Suzuhara, or serious, veteran actors like Katsuragi and Kaji! I can't even face the press without collapsing into meebling mush without acting the whole 'wild child' persona Rei taught me! I'm… scared to be 'real' with the public just yet." She buried her face into his neck. "Especially with something like this. I'm still terrified sometimes that this is just a dream, and next year I'll be just some 'on-set fling' in your rear-view mirror."

Shinji shook his head and held her close. "Not happening. You and I are going to still be together when they call us all back in 20 years to film the Reunion specials and such for this franchise. My agent tells me this thing is going to be huge. Like, we could retire and coast our entire careers on just this alone." He kissed the side of her head gently. "Asuka, no one _gets_ me like you do. Even Rei thinks we're some kind of 'destined pair', or whatever other crazy stuff she says about us. I'm not giving you up for the whole world."

"Good," Asuka said quietly. "Because I may be afraid right now, but I know when I'm ready, I'm going to want to tell the whole world."

Shinji chuckled. "We time it right, like during the premiere red carpet walk, we might really get the whole world to notice."

Asuka stiffened in his arms. "Ok, back to being terrified."

"Good thing we've got at least an hour to just cuddle before anyone comes looking for us," Shinji said, matching his actions to his words.

"No one would believe us if we told them this part," Asuka said, still trying to burrow into his arms. "That we're just sitting here being dopey-sweet and not engaged in some kind of carnal endurance marathon."

"I don't care. This is the part I love, Asuka. I've had more sex than I can remember. I've never made love to someone until I met you."

"And there's the super-sweet baka I feel for," Asuka purred. "Love you too, my suave Shinji. Happy birthday, my sweet baka."


	7. Chapter 7 - Getting Real Meta Up In Here

**Backstage #7 - Getting Real Meta Up In Here**

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 _"Doctor, we're losing him! Blood pressure still dropping!"_

Careful, steady hands squeezed the long-nosed forceps, grasping the twisted shard of metal right beside the frantically pulsing artery. The tiny nick was spraying blood with every beat. "I've got it. Removing."

The tiny clink the shrapnel made as it landed in the collection tray held out by the shaking nurse was inaudible over the sounds of approaching gunfire and mortar impacts that had been steadily marching closer.

"Nurse, another transfusion. I'm stitching the artery now."

No hands hung any blood. Gendo frowned, his hands moving in a precise, utterly steady blur. "Nurse, I've stitched the artery, but Caporal Dumont needs that transfusion no-"

A terrified whimper followed by harsh silence made him lift his head from the wounded Legionnaire and look over his shoulder.

The sweating young Hutu man snapped his AK-47 from the petrified nurse to Gendo for a moment, then back. "Do not move! You are my prisoners!" he shouted in accented French.

"Son, you want to put that rifle down and let me finish sewing this man up," Gendo said calmly.

The gunman twitched his rifle a fraction more to the left and fired at the wounded man on the operating table. Caporal Dumont now needed that transfusion far more urgently, blood spurting from the ruined mess of his left calf.

The gunman swung his rifle back at the medical team. "I said you ar-"

He looked down in confusion at the hilt of the stiletto protruding from his chest. He had time for a single blink before he crumpled to the floor.

Gendo completed his motion and caught the AK-47 before it hit the floor, tossing it to one of the orderlies that was slowly lowering his hands. "Take this. Make sure no one else barges in like that."

The orderly blinked in shock as he awkwardly caught the gun. He hadn't even seen Gendo _move_. "Y-Yes sir!"

Gendo spared one look at the corpse on the floor. "I told you you wanted to put that rifle down," he muttered in Japanese. He snapped his fingers at the nurse. "Hey, snap out of it. We've got a Legionnaire to save. Transfusion, now."

A thunderous crash outside heralded another mortar impacting, this time close enough shrapnel pinged and tore through the medical tent. The nurse collapsed to the ground, clutching at her leg with a scream.

"I do not have _time_ for this..." Gendo muttered, hands moving faster. Caporal Dumont was bleeding faster.

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Gendo sat up, gasping, shaking off the dream-memory. Rwanda. Again. They hadn't been able to save Caporal Dumont. The next mortar shell had landed on the medical tent barely 10m from him. Dumont had died absorbing the shrapnel that would have killed Gendo. He'd barely been able to save Nurse Roche. He'd done it while literally standing over the body of that random Rwandan man, his blood soaking into Gendo's shoes.

He shot a look at the clock on the night table. 1047. He'd managed to nap for barely an hour. He didn't have to be on set again until 1530. Plenty of time to relax and sleep some more. Maybe. He reached for the bong by his bed and quickly packed a bowl. Getting back to sleep after these dreams was never easy. Nightmares of blood and death and people he couldn't save... drugs helped. Acting, pretending he was someone else, it wasn't just a profession. It was walking therapy. Physician, heal thyself...

"It'd be a damn sight easier to get to sleep if you'd shut up with the overwrought narration. These are supposed to be cracky humor bits of action backstage. Now you're going all 'oooh, let's give Gendo a tragic backstory!' like this is the main plot. Sweet Buddha's tits, just let me smoke this weed and relax," Gendo complained.

...I'm sorry, did you just start arguing with your story's _narration_?

"Yes, I did. You're too loud, overly dramatic, and trying to inject blood and drama to _crack drabbles_."

Crack _drabbles_? The last one got over 1500 words! It took hours! And... hey, wait a minute! You're not allowed to argue with the narration! Who do you think you are, Wade Wilson?

"Well, I sometimes am high enough I start fights with imaginary copies of Hugh Jackman. Does that count?"

Oh for fuck's sake. Alright, I'm just going to pretend this never happened and you're just high as balls. Try not to bash your stupid head through the fourth wall in the next part, okay?

Gendo looked down at the bowl. "Oh yeah, baby. This is the good shit, mixed in with a little bit of 'shrooms. I'm so high, I'm arguing with the little yellow boxes again."

I don't use little yellow boxes, you twit. This is text! Now stop that, I'm about to cue your son and his wife.

"Don't tell me that, I don't know about that part yet."

Shut up.

There was a tentative knock at the door to his trailer. He let the latest hit from the bong trickle out of his nose slowly. "Come on in, son," he called.

Shinji opened the door and entered, sniffing at the familiar scent in the air. "Uh... hi, dad. Trouble sleeping again? I... wait, how did you know it was me?"

"It was an inspired guess. Also, you're the one who comes to see me most often, m'boy. And the Director usually pounds on the door like he's trying to break it down." He waved at the chair on the other side of the trailer. "Come on in and have a seat. What's on your mind, son? You look like you've got some heavy duty news for me."

Shinji stepped inside, revealing Asuka right behind him. "Ah... hi, Mister Ikari. I hope we didn't wake you up or anything."

Gendo waved the hand unoccupied by the bong. "Nonsense, I'm always happy to see you! And I told you, call me Gendo! 'Mister Ikari' makes me feel like you're a Production Assistant trying to get my attention, not my son's beautiful girlfriend!"

Asuka blushed and followed Shinji in. She awkwardly took the chair after Shinji waved his hand, refusing to sit while she stood. "Um, thank you, sir. I... um... that's kind of what we're here about."

"Calling me Gendo? Ok, well, that's kind of done. Unless we're going back in time, which would be cool, since that would mean my trailer is a TARDIS."

Asuka blinked, and looked at Shinji in confusion. Shinji shrugged.

"Er... dad, we wanted to tell you something," Shinji began.

"You two got married, didn't you?"

Both of Shinji and Asuka's jaws dropped. There was ten seconds of silence before Shinji unfroze. "I... dad, how the Hell did you know that?"

"I may have developed psychic powers from all the drug use. Or the narrator accidentally told me. Or," Gendo smiled. "I've been expecting that to happen for weeks now, and I win that bet with Pen Pen. He thought you'd wait until after we shot the Armisael scene. Come on, son, you and that wonderful girl are so gaga for each other, even that Horaki kid finally noticed, and she's blind as a bat to romance and social interaction."

Asuka covered her face as she fought down the blush, then sighed. "Yes, we did, Gen... father." She reached into her blouse and pulled out a chain with a elegant silver and diamond ring dangling from it. She took the ring off the chain and handed it to Shinji. He smiled as he slid it onto her left ring finger. She smiled back and stroked the side of his face once the ring was on her.

"Ah... yeah, dad. Two weeks ago, in fact. That little 'getaway' to Vegas was... not quite as we told the paparazzi," Shinji said. "We just... wanted it to be our secret for a bit. But... we decided you should know too."

Gendo smiled. "Son, I've never been prouder of you. If only your mother could see you now."

"Isn't she coming to the set next week to do her voiceovers?"

"Yeah, but that's next week! I want to tell her now!"

Shinji shook his head, smiling ruefully. "I should have known we wouldn't be able to really surprise you with this, dad. You know me too well."

"Eh, I'm just a weird old dude who's been around the block a bit, son. You know nothing makes me happier than seeing you do well and walk your own road. And now you've got the best thing in the world: someone you can trust to walk it with you all the way to the end." He nodded at Asuka. "And you, m'dear, please take care of my boy. He's headstrong and wants to live up to his old man's wild life, but I always tell him I'll be proud of him no matter what. He needs someone like you to keep him level. And he has never been so head-over-heels for a girl ever. He wouldn't stop talking about you, that first week!"

Asuka ducked her head again, blushing. "Y-Yeah, well... I kinda like him too. I'm glad you're... not mad or anything that we kept this to ourselves for a bit. I was... kind of intimidated at suddenly being a part of the _Ikari_ family. I mean, your wife is a member of the Diet, and you're..." Asuka waved her hands. " _Gendo Ikari_. International adventurer, doctor, and actor!"

"You're fine, Asuka," Gendo made a calming gesture. "I'm just a guy like Shinji. I had a foolish youth of wild times and distant memories. It's nicer to be here now, seeing my boy grow up and meet a lovely woman like you. You two will do fine."

Asuka shook her head. "It's hard, sir. Shinji's told me so many stories about you, it's hard to believe you're not a comic-book hero or something."

Gendo shrugged. "I'm just a dad, proud of his son. Don't worry about my past. It's not worth dwelling on. Look to your future." He grinned. "And brace yourselves for when my dear Yui arrives. You know she won't be able to stop herself from asking about one particular thing before the first day is over..."

Asuka shook her head, unable to guess. She looked to Shinji.

Shinji had gone pale and nervous. "Uh oh..." He looked back at Asuka. " _Babies_ ," he whispered.


	8. Chapter 8 - Fuyutsuki & Pen Pen

**Backstage #8:**

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Pen Pen threw the script on the table in disgust. "Good God, who is _writing_ this tripe? Someone who thinks there's a market for doujins pairing Commander Ikari and _me_? I am not drunk enough for this. PA! Where's my gin?"

The tall, nervous PA handed him the tumbler. "Here, sir."

The penguin took the glass of gin and tossed half of it back in one go, irritation still all over his beak.

Fuyutsuki puffed at his pipe. "At least you're getting scripts. I've hardly got a part at all, it feels like. I'm damn near Gendo's sock puppet. I really wish they'd get _Mitigation_ going again. I had a real, juicy part in that one. I was practically a main character for once! And the last film ended on a cliffhanger!" He leaned forward and moved a rook. "Check."

Pen Pen took one glance at the board before leaning in to move his white bishop to intercede. "I knew you'd try that. I've got mate in 6 unless you're more clever than you were yesterday."

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAH! WOE IS ME! THE DARK TIMES ARE UPON US AND THE DAWN WILL NEVER COOOOOOOOOOOME!" Rei wailed as she ran by.

Pen Pen didn't look up. "Is she _ever_ going to give that a rest? She's been at it for two bloody hours."

Fuyutsuki shrugged. "She says it's fooling at least some of the paparazzi into believing her character is dead. And it's keeping her busy and amused while she's not in any scenes." He moved a pawn to cover his king.

The penguin snorted. "Bloody fools. Like they'd permanently kill off the second most popular character in the show before the season finale? She's only a little ahead of that Soryu girl as it is." He moved a knight up aggressively on the right, threatening Fuyutsuki's defenses.

The older man raised an eyebrow. "Second most? Who do you think is first?"

The penguin chuckled and sat up straight. He looked Fuyutsuki straight in the eye with a faint smile. "Wark wark." He winked.


	9. Chapter 9 - KSK Backstage

**Backstage #9 - KSK Backstage**

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"There is just too much irony in this," Sayaka said, putting her feet up on the table in front of the tiny couch in Kensuke's trailer.

"Hmm? In what?" Kyoko asked without looking up from her tablet.

"Having two straight girls playing the lesbians, and the gay guy playing the straight dude."

Kensuke snorted and kept paging through the script on his own tablet. He was holding it over his head and reading upside-down, thanks to his head being in Kyoko's lap. "I believe the Director did mention it as one of those things that gives him a headache, so at least it wasn't deliberate on his part. I'm here because I nailed the audition, I'm fairly sure. And to be fair, you two make a _darling_ couple, and I'm very happy to have you both as my Sassy Straight Friends."

Sayaka rolled her eyes. "Very funny, Mister 'I Have A Huge Fanclub From My Indie Days'. It is so not fair that _you_ never seem to have trouble finding a date on weekends. Aren't _we_ cute?"

"Yeah, but half the fanbase of _this_ project thinks we really are a couple," Kyoko said, paging through her script. "And it encourages the hype to let them think it, which is why the three of us are sitting here in Ken-chan's trailer trying to convince them we're all shaking the bedframe."

"Again, to be fair, you both are lovely, and if I was into girls I _would_ be sweetly and tenderly seducing you both right now," Kensuke said cheerfully. "Alas, I am far, far too gone under the gayroller to look upon either of you with amorous desire, so must content myself with lusting after Nagisa and Ikari, not that I think I'll ever pry either of them away from their ladies. To soften my disappointment, I do have a date tonight with one of the guys from _FREE_! Mmm, swimmer's bods..."

"Quiet down, mister Broadway star. You are _such_ a stereotypical stage actor, too." She sighed. "The things I do for this project. You may have nailed the audition, Ken-chan, but Kyo-chan and I are here since we're currently popular thanks to that magical girl series. We need to branch out some, and I'm just worried we'll get typecast as 'those two lesbians' or something. I mean, the production values in our last movie were sky-high, but the writing just didn't do nearly as much justice to our characters as it should, and-"

Kyoko sighed. "Oh dear, there she goes again." She tapped at her tablet again. "This is why I'm looking through scripts, Sayaka. I _am_ looking for more parts for both of us. Not that we're an indissoluble unit, but I _do_ like working with my BFF. You know I'd be all over you if we were gay, dear."

Sayaka ducked her head. "Alright, I'll stop griping about that movie. It's just sad when no-budget indie projects have better writing than the giant sequel movies to a hit series."

"You'll probably be able to coast on the revenues from that magical girl show and this thing for years," Kensuke pointed out. "I'm still digging for new parts anyhow, since acting is my life, but you two will be set either way." He reluctantly sat up, slow enough that Kyoko had plenty of warning to move her arms and tablet out of the way.

"We're still looking too," Sayaka said. "I had our agent call Aleph's people. I heard there might be some small parts opening soon in her Kerisgame franchise, or some other Exalted project she's got fingers in."

"I wish we'd had the wits to get a part in Panopticon when it was doing open casting. I can't _believe_ Soryu got that part! Look what it turned into!" Kyoko huffed. She looked curiously at Kensuke. "Hey, where are you going?"

Kensuke finished pulling a fresh shirt on and smiled over his shoulder at her. "Got to get ready for my date! It's a pure shame to keep prime beefcake like Hazuki waiting long." He opened his closet and started digging through it.

Sayaka sighed again. "We are cute, popular, and half the fanbase thinks we're bi. Why is it hard for _us_ to find dates? How is it that we have a harder time finding dates than _Pen Pen_? Seriously, that penguin _always_ has some hot model on his wing when there's a press event or something!"

Kyoko shrugged. "He's just got that suave British charm, and the Oxford accent. I mean, it _is_ pretty hot. And he's smooth as Hell, too..." She trailed off, staring into space.

"It also helps that he's the Director's drinking buddy and even _Gendo Ikari_ seems to think he's a cool guy. I..." Sayaka paused, eyes narrowing. "Kyo-chan, what the Hell are you thinking about?"

Kyoko snapped out of her fugue and blushed. "Nothing!"

Sayaka gave her a very suspicious look. "You were thinking about trying a little penguin for yourself, weren't you?"

"No! I..." Kyoko practically shrank into the couch cushions. "...ok, maybe I was. But he's so _cute_! And that accent! Plus, I mean... he _does_ keep getting all those girls, so he must have _something_ , right?"

"Ooooh, you _go_ for that gusto, Kyo-chan!" Kensuke said, laughing as he put on an expensive looking pair of tailored trousers. "Do it! And tell me _allllll_ the details when you get back! I'm kind of curious too. Sadly, Pen Pen is as straight as you two, so I'll never know myself, but if you don't mind a little gossip between friends..." He waved as he opened the trailer's door and left.

Sayaka shook her head. "I cannot _believe_ you're thinking about it, Kyoko _."_

Kyoko opened her mouth, then hesitated. "...you're mad I thought of it first, aren't you?"

Butter wouldn't melt in Sayaka's mouth. "That's immaterial! I am merely concerned with-"

"You totally are. But hey, we're besties, right? Let's _both_ go ask him," Kyoko offered, her fang winking as she smirked at her friend.

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"And that's it for today. See you in the morn, old bean." Pen Pen nodded politely to the Director. "Ladies, shall we?" He offered a wing each to Sayaka and Kyoko. They each took one, giggling in embarrassment at their own audacity. The three walked off in high spirits, already chatting animatedly.

Director Strype rubbed his face and sighed. "I swear to fucking Alien Space Bats, this project is getting weirder by the second."

Rei Ayanami ran by, wearing only a bikini and rainbow bodypaint. "I AM THE SPIRIT OF LOVE AND I ADORE PANCAKES!" She was maintaining a good lead ahead of Shinji and Kaworu pursuing her with large nets.

"Note to self: _Drink heavily,"_ he muttered. "Ikari! Where are you keeping that bong?! I need some mellow, stat!"

"Everything's coming up _Gendo_!" a distant voice answered.


	10. Chapter 10 - An A&T Backstage Christmas

**Backstage #10  
An A&T Backstage Christmas**

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"Come on dear, out of Dr. Ikari's lap..."

"Hee hee hee! I dun wanna! I've beena gud girl, and I'm gonna tell Santa what I want for Crishmash! And then yur gonna _give_ it to me! Hee hee hee! Boop!"

Gendo Ikari remained remarkably stoic for a man wearing a Santa Claus outfit and beard who was having a fairly drunk Hikari Horaki pried out of his lap by her mildly embarrassed boyfriend. It probably helped that Gendo was baked on half a bag of primo grade Southern California Sunset Gold reefer, and was feeling pretty jolly.

"Method acting is the best! Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" he proclaimed, patting Hikari on the head like she was 9.

Touji finally managed to pry her off Dr. Ikari and heft her up over his shoulder, the only way he could keep her from flopping sloppily onto the floor and trying to crawl back into 'Santa's' lap again. Again. She giggled anyhow, and took advantage of her situation to squeeze Touji's firm buns and make honking noises.

"Lightweight," Misato snorted as Touji carried her off to find a comfy chair sit it in and engage in the 'turbo-snogging' his girlfriend was loudly demanding. "One measly bottle of agave tequila and she's legless?"

"Not everyone's has as hard-trained a liver as you do, m'dear," Kaji pointed out, handing her a plate of snacks as he settled in beside her. He cheerfully adjusted his set of antlers. "She's barely 19. You've been 'training' for years. And we're entitled to cut lose a little at a Christmas Party. We just shot some terribly heavy scenes, no?"

Kaworu nodded from where he sat across from them on the other couch nestled around a small table in the gap between the Central Dogma set and the 'Misato's Apartment' one. "Yes, I could really use the more lighthearted stuff," he said somewhat wearily. "The last few scenes were quite the emotional workout for me, Shinji, and Asuka."

"Not for me!" Rei said cheerily from his lap. She ruthlessly ruffled his hair. "I got to take two weeks off!"

"You were playing _dead_ , Rei," Kaworu replied dryly, doing his best to ignore his hair being mussed. "And you spent nearly the entire two weeks 'off' standing right behind the Director and making faces at us while the three of us were trying to do scenes where we were supposed to be 'mourning your death'."

"Just trying to make sure the heavy stuff didn't get you all down off set!" Rei grinned unrepentantly. "And it worked, didn't it?"

Shinji gave the bluenette a wry look. "It was a _little_ difficult to cry and wail on camera sometimes when you're standing behind the camera in a rainbow clown wig and crossing your eyes, Rei."

"I'm a helper!"

Asuka snuggled into Shinji's side and handed him a drink. "Eh, it did provide plenty of material for the Blooper Reel we're going to show tonight, right? And like you're going to complain about how Rei also decided the best way to raise our spirits after scenes like that was to kiss the bejeesus out of each of us once the Director yelled 'Cut!'?"

Shinji took the drink, immediately put it down next to him, and put his arm around her. He closed his eyes and let out a contented sigh. "That is nice, but I still like yours the best."

Rei and Kaworu shared a look and cat-like grins. "You're going to announce it tonight, right?" Kaworu asked quietly.

"Announce what?" Misato asked, catching the question despite the Christmas music on the PA. Her eyebrows climbed and a coy smirk appeared on her lips. "Ohhhh~? Have you gone and asked her a _certain question_ , Shin-chan?"

Asuka turned pink and shrank into the protective cover of Shinji's arm. Shinji was nearly as pink himself. "Misato!" he complained. "It's not like that!"

Misato smirked wider and cocked an eyebrow at the redhead attempting to burrow out of sight into his side. "Oh? Could have fooled me, then. Sure looks like you two are about to say... announce an engagem-"

"Excuse me, Mrs. Katsuragi!" Mari interrupted brightly, tapping the purple-haired woman on the shoulder, "but your agent is waiting for you in the lobby. Said something about more voice work in _Sailor Moon Crystal_ , I think?"

"Eh? Oh, right, that. Yes." Misato sighed and stood up. "I suppose I better see what he wants this time." She headed off towards the front of the enormous soundstage housing the many and varied sets of _Advice and Trust_.

Asuka looked up from her protective cuddle and shot her PA a thankful look. Mari just winked back and skipped off in her Just Shy Of Too Sexy Elf costume, jingling merrily. She was having entirely too much fun playing 'Santa's Little Helper' to Gendo.

Rei followed her with appreciative eyes. "Nyaaaa~ That girl makes a fur-trimmed micro-miniskirt _work_!"

"You are _such_ a wanton hussy, my dear," Kaworu snickered, pinching her on the rump.

"Oh, you are one to talk, Mister 'Checks Out More People Than _I_ Do'," Rei snarked right back. She planted a kiss on his lips with a smile, though.

Shinji cleared his throat. "Er, the bossman is about to speak." He gestured with his recovered cocktail at the dias at the end of the set where the Director had mounted a pile of gift-wrapped prop rifles supporting a full-size Prog Knife.

The Director knocked back a shot of his drink and then whistled for everyone's attention. "Good evening and Merry Christmas to you all. Now, I'm glad everyone could come, even those of you who are simultaneously working on other projects," he nodded at Kyoko and Sakura, "and those of you who aren't even _in_ this show, which makes me wonder what the Hell you're doing here."

"Open bar!" Keris Dulmeadokht shouted from the back. Usagi Tsukino, Farah Mansoor, and Rena Van nodded from the seats next to her. Farah was already thoroughly drunk.

The Director shook his head. "I don't even know anymore. Anyhow, since I'm the meta-avatar of a guy who's 6,721.93 miles1 from his wife and kids on Christmas Eve, I'd like to thank Doctor Gendo Ikari for providing the 'medical assistance' that is keeping me relatively jolly for tonight's festivities."

"Doctor Gendo always helps out! Ho ho ho!"

"Shaddup. Alright, we've been shooting some heavy stuff lately, although _some_ people have tried to make it into comedy," he glared at Rei, who giggled without a hint of guilt, "and it's time for some holiday cheer. So everyone sit back and enjoy the Blooper Reel we knocked together out of the best bits, and yes, we will be screening the preview bits from the next update we've already finished the special effects on."

"Ooooh! Does that include the _shower scene_?" Rei asked salaciously.

"Yes, the shower scene too," the Director admitted.

"Whoo hooo!"

"Oh god..." Shinji and Kaworu said in stereo.

The director waved at the tech running the lights and soundboard, and the room went dark. The working monitor on the Central Dogma set lit up, and the first Blooper scene began.

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Chapter 6.8c, take 1 -START-

"What happen?" Fuyutsuki demanded.

"Mount Nobe observation post has a visual on the target!" Lieutenant Aoba announced. "Somebody set up us the bomb! We get signal!"

"Main screen turn on!" Gendo shouted.

Kihl Lorenz appeared on the screen, smiling nastily. "How are you gentlemen ! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.

Gendo blanched. "What you say !"

"You have no chance to survive make your time. HA HA HA HA..."

Somehow, Gendo said "!"

"CUT! Ikari! Have you been handing out 'samples' again?"

"I didn't do it!"

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Chapter 8.9, take 3 - START -

A pair of bare feet and legs sticking out of shorts poked out from the couch that was still dragged near the TV. Some random action movie was on, and the Child on the couch probably not even watching, their feet idly kicking. Misato smiled again. The usual state of affairs when she came home was back. It would be a nice change after the last few days of oddity. She trudged towards her room to change, pulling her jacket off.

 _'Now, what to wear to best #1) tease Shinji, #2) make Asuka jealous and provoke her into flaunting her own bod at him in territorial response, and #3) make me look hot in case Kaji drops by? Hmm... if Asuka can lay around in a tank and short-shorts, so can I!'_ She was out of her uniform and most of the way into a nice comfy set of cut-off shorts and a yellow tank when she heard the opening salvo of the usual battle start.

"OI! BAKA! WHERE'S MY DINNER?!"

She started to smile at the familiar opening, then froze. _'Th...that was not... that wasn't Asuka!'_ She rapidly finished tugging on the shorts and styled her hair into a high ponytail as she trotted back into the living room. "Asuka, what's go... what."

The Child on the couch had indeed jumped up to yell at the occupant of the kitchen, a bag of potato chips clutched in one fist as the other pointed angrily, a posture Misato had seen the Second Child adopt many times. Legs toned by hours of NERV training led up to a bright yellow sun dress, set off nicely by a blue velvet choker, and an A-10 Interface headset atop the Pilot's head.

Really, Shinji didn't look half bad in the outfit.

"I'm _hungry!_ Hurry it up!" he shouted at the cook. "And get on with my laundry! My green dress is in the wash, and I need it for a date tonight! I want to feel _pretty_!"

He turned to their newly arrived guardian. "Oh, hi Misato!" He did a little twirl. How do I look?"

A loud WHIIRRRRRRRR began behind them, and Asuka stepped into shot holding a leafblower. "Oh, man, I've been waiting all week for this! Woohooo!"

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Chapter 8.11a, take 1 -START-

"I'm going to go question the First Child again. She has to know something more than she's said."

"What?"

" _First_ Child?"

"...oh, dammit. Yeah, no, okay, that was on me, let's go again..."

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Chapter 8.11a, take 2 -START-

"I'm going to go question the Fourth Child again. She has to know something more than she's said," Gendo rumbled.

Fuyutsuki snorted. "Good fucking luck, you child-scaring pedobeard."

Gendo fell over laughing.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Chapter 8.11a, take 3 -START-

"I'm going to go question the Fourth Child again. She has to know something more than she's said."

"Are you sure that's wise, Ikari?"

"I sweet talked Akagi into my bedroom at her mom's _funeral_. This will be a piece of cake."

"Dayum. You a playa, mothafucka. Respect."

Gendo and Fuyutsuki fistbumped.

"CUT! Would you two stop fucking around?" the Director yelled.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Chapter 8.11c, take 3 -START-  
"Oh, gee, thanks, Project E Chairwoman, ma'am," Misato retorted sourly. "Since I had all this free time just laying around, waiting for-" The phone by the head of the bed rang loudly. Misato raised an eyebrow. "Expecting a call?"

Ritsuko's head pounded a little more with the annoying electronic ring. She scowled and reached over to pick up the handset. "Hello, this is Akagi."

"Doctor Akagi... soooo... what are you wearing?"

"Well, Maya _did_ run off with my underwear, so, not a lot!"

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.13, take 2 -START-

"Good!" Asuka declared, pulling Shinji along towards the door by his hand. "This is a proper date, dear baka, so you're paying for everything. Spend some of that munificent Pilot's pay for once."

"...We get paid?"

"Fuck yeah we do," Asuka said, "How the Hell do you think I afford all that cocaine?"

"I thought my dad just gave it out for laughs."

"Wait, he does?! That asshole's been making me pay market!"

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.15b, take 2 -START-

He nodded. Still hand-in-hand, they walked to the center of the front of the classroom, right in front of the blackboard. They waited as the last students filed in and the bell rang.

They got a few curious looks from the students, wondering why they were standing there. Shinji briefly met the eyes of Touji and Kensuke. Touji had a look of dawning horror as he noticed their handclasp. Kensuke looked up from his palmtop and blinked at the two of them, then started to grin as he reached for his camcorder. Shinji just blushed a bit more. He didn't worry too much about what the rest of the class was going to say, but the opinions of his friends had a bit more weight.

Once she was satisfied she had everyone's attention, Asuka left off her glaring contest with Tanaka and the other girls who were still pursuing Shinji and began. "I'm sure this will not surprise some of you." She shot a look at Tanaka and followers. "And will disappoint others, but as of today and from now on, Shinji and I are... well..." She turned to Shinji, dropped the handclasp, and put her hands on either side of his face. She pulled him right into the deepest, most intense kiss she could manage.

Shinji heard a wave of gasps ripple through the classroom. He couldn't stop his lips from curling into as much of a broad smile as he could in the middle of a kiss. His eyes drifted shut in synch with Asuka's. It was a long, long minute before he felt her pull away with a tiny sigh of happiness. He reopened his eyes just in time to catch her peaceful expression of contentment shift into a catlike grin as she turned to the class and simply growled, " _Any questions?_ "

Chidori Honda slowly raised her hand, staring at them with a shocked, puzzled face.

Asuka nodded at her. "Yes?"

"What is the airspeed of velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"What do you mean? African, or European swallow?" Asuka asked back.

"Uh... I don't know that?"

With no warning, Chidori rocketed upward, through the ceiling, and vanished with a scream.

"How did you know that?" Shinji asked, amazed.

"You have to know these sorts of things when you're a queen," Asuka said without missing a beat.

"CUT! ...ok, I'm impressed you arranged that with the special effects crew ahead of time, but _what the fuck?_ " the Director exclaimed.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.15d, take 3 -START-

"You don't sound 'alright'. You sound... like a damn doll again. Did..." Asuka sucked in a shocked breath. She got in front of her and grabbed Rei's shoulders, halting her walk. "Did that fucking witch doctor do something to you again?!"

Rei stared at her, blank. "Doctor... Akagi... adjusted my medication," she eventually said very slowly.

Asuka shivered. " _Scheiße_. That _witch_. Fine... ok... Rei, you're going to be alright. We'll get you back to your apartment and... fuck..." She looked at Shinji, still at a loss. "Shinji?"

"Fucking... Ikari... kun... is... your... job," Rei said, slow and dead.

They both stared at Rei. A hopeful smile started to break out on Asuka's face, matching the one on Shinji's. "Wondergirl, are you still in there?"

"I... mean... are you... getting... paid... by... the... hour? You... two... are... like... teenage... monkeys... on... Spring... Break... You're ... goddam... insaitiable... Can... I... borrow... him... for... a... weekend... Asuka? I... think... I... could... use... him... to... dril... for... oil."

Asuka stared at her. "Ok, I have to admit, I'm kind of impressed you did all that without breaking character."

"I am _high as balls_ ," Rei said, and broke down giggling. "WOOOOOO!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.16b, take 1 -START-

Misato examined Asuka's serious look and her own amorous smile faded. "What is it?"

"Rei's in my room right now. She'll be staying the night. Maybe the next too, we're not sure," Asuka said.

"A little sleepover is fine, Asuka, but she lives right next door, so...?"

"Shinji's with her right now."

"You trust your boyfriend alone with her? My my..." Misato tried to joke, but it fell flat against Asuka's grim look. "Why is he in there, then?"

"Because I trust them to-"

"OH MY GOD! YES YES! DRILL, BABY, DRILL! STICK YOUR LANCE OF LONNNNNNGINUS IN MY FIRST ANGEL! THIRD IMPACT!" Rei screamed from just off camera.

"-behave themselves without any problems," Asuka finished smoothly, calmly looking at Misato.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.16b, take 4 -START-

Shinji looked up from his seat on the edge of the bed where he sat holding Rei's hand. His gaze flicked worriedly from Kaji to Misato before settling back to Asuka. She just nodded to him, then walked to the far side of the bed to take Rei's other hand.

"H-hello, Kaji-san. Welcome home, Misato-san," Shinji greeted them quietly. He quickly looked back down at Rei.

Misato pursed her lips as she noted the IV drip hanging from the stand by the bed, then looked down at the First Child herself.

The bluenette was shaking intermittently, her eyes darting around without focusing on anything. Suddenly her eyes fixed on Misato's. "I am the spirit of a four billion year old space goddess who is the source of all life on earth. I can pop your corporeal form like a soap bubble with a mere thought. I can see your soul and every secret your heart and mind have. I am the key to a decades-old conspiracy of a secret cabal of men who rule the world from behind the scenes to usher in the apocalypse and have me turn them into gods. Also, Commander Ikari and Doctor Akagi are fucking. I really think she could do better."

Shinji and Misato shared a confused look.

"Er..." Shinji said cautiously. "That was a bit more coherent than the other bits."

"Shit!" Rei suddenly exclaimed. "I forgot to mention the Geofront is my ancient alien spaceship! Can I do it again?"

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**  
Scene 8.23b, take 1 -START-

Ritsuko barked a bitter laugh. "The last time I talked to Misato, I bit her head off and called her a lazy alcoholic. I'm not doing so well there. And Maya..." She waved at the door. "Thinks I'm someone I'm not."

"She is very devoted to you. And Major Katsuragi is still concerned about you. You do not need to give up. You are not his doll either," Rei replied quietly.

She stood up. "I will leave you to Lieutenant Ibuki's care." Rei bowed precisely to her, then headed to the door. She unlocked and opened the door just as the running footsteps approaching down the hall reached the room.

Lieutenant Ibuki burst in, holding a scrap of white cloth over her head. "Akagi-sempai, I've... I've... ...fuck, _line_?"

"'I've got your panties!'" Ritsuko said flatly from the bed.

Maya blinked at her. "You do? Oh holy shit, so _that's_ where they ended up! I _thought_ it felt a little drafty in here? Can I have them back?"

"No."

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**  
Scene 8.23b, take 2 -START-

Ritsuko barked a bitter laugh. "The last time I talked to Misato, I bit her head off and called her a lazy alcoholic. I'm not doing so well there. And Maya..." She waved at the door. "Thinks I'm someone I'm not."

"She is very devoted to you. And Major Katsuragi is still concerned about you. You do not need to give up. You are not his doll either," Rei replied quietly.

She stood up. "I will leave you to Lieutenant Ibuki's care." Rei bowed precisely to her, then headed to the door. She unlocked and opened the door just as the running footsteps approaching down the hall reached the room.

Lieutenant Ibuki burst in, holding a scrap of white cloth over her head. "Akagi-sempai, I've got your panties!"

Ritsuko covered her face with her hands. "Oh god..."

"And your wading boots, your six inch stilettos, your assless chaps, and your pogo stick with the dildo on top. I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I grabbed a sample of everything. Man, your closet is _weird_."

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.23b, take 3 -START-

Ritsuko barked a bitter laugh. "The last time I talked to Misato, I bit her head off and called her a lazy alcoholic. I'm not doing so well there. And Maya..." She waved at the door. "Thinks I'm someone I'm not."

"She is very devoted to you. And Major Katsuragi is still concerned about you. You do not need to give up. You are not his doll either," Rei replied quietly.

She stood up. "I will leave you to Lieutenant Ibuki's care." Rei bowed precisely to her, then headed to the door. She unlocked and opened the door just as the running footsteps approaching down the hall reached the room.

Lieutenant Ibuki burst in, holding a scrap of white cloth over her head. "Akagi-sempai, I've got your panties!"

Ritsuko covered her face with her hands. "Oh god... that's so hot! Maya, take me now!"

Maya tossed the underwear over her shoulder and pushed Rei aside. "Out of the way, First Child! Mama needs her nookie!" She took a running leap and jumped on top of Ritsuko.

"CUT! Oh for fuck's sake, you two are impossible!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Scene 8.23b, take 4 -START-

Ritsuko barked a bitter laugh. "The last time I talked to Misato, I bit her head off and called her a lazy alcoholic. I'm not doing so well there. And Maya..." She waved at the door. "Thinks I'm someone I'm not."

"She is very devoted to you. And Major Katsuragi is still concerned about you. You do not need to give up. You are not his doll either," Rei replied quietly.

She stood up. "I will leave you to Lieutenant Ibuki's care. I think she wants to fuck your brains out. She's been frantically masturbating over your bed while you were unconscious." Rei turned and stared directly into the camera. "That's a meta joke, kids."

Ritsuko was struggling not to laugh when Lieutenant Ibuki burst in, holding a scrap of white cloth over her head. "Akagi-sempai, I've got your panties, and Major Katsuragi's, and mine, and Lieutenant Ooi's! No one can stop Maya, Master Panty Thief!"

"Cut! Fuck it, break for lunch!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**  
Chapter 9.13f, take 2 -START-

His eyes widened as Rei grabbed his shirt collar in both hands and yanked him closer. "Listen to me well, you stupid fish. I _had_ something like that. When I told them I loved them I felt better than I ever have before. They accepted me! I was not alone! I felt better just being around them! _And now because of you I have to flee from them and withhold from them everything I wish to tell them!_ Your masters have _robbed me of my greatest joy!_ And you even _standing here_ threatens everything! It is fantastic that you now begin to understand why I am so ready to end you if you make any move that might threaten them! But… _you will look me in the eye when I am talking to you, Rainbow Trout!"_

Kaworu had looked away and sweat started heavily beading on his forehead. "I… do not know if that is a good idea…"

" _Why not?_ I am talking to you!"

"Please understand! This body has urges and drives that I cannot control!"

Rei's eyes narrowed. "I am well aware of the compulsion the Call exerts on you, Tabris. That is no excuse. You bear that every moment and manage to look at me other times. Do so now."

"Not that urge! The Lilim ones!"

"...what."

"All of my will goes to suppressing the Call! I have little left for… um… stopping the others."

"Fifth Child, if you do not start making sense _right now_ , I will bounce you off a tree again."

Kaworu swallowed heavily. "...please do not look down."

Rei looked down.

There was a long moment of very tense silence.

"Is that a salami in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?," Rei said tightly.

Kaworu reached into his pocket and whipped it out. "30cm Italian Dry, just picked it up at the market. I brought a picnic basket up here. Want some of my meat?"

"Oh, yes, give me about 16cm," Rei said happily. "You can give me some more later." She wiggled her eyebrows.

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**  
Chapter 9.25b, take 1 -START-

"Angel confirmed," Aoba reported. "Max magnification, on screen."

The big screen lit up, showing the Angel. It looked like the electrified skeleton of a bird, glued together by someone who had no idea how the bones were supposed to fit. It had two wings that split into four, but had irregular spikes and shards poking off its whole outline. Even with all the strangeness they'd seen so far, the spiky monster looked subtly _wrong_ to Misato.

"It's not moving from its satellite orbit," said Hyuga.

"Switch to Code Red and put Unit-01 on Standby," Misto ordered.

"Hey Misato~~, guess what I~~~ have?" Aoba sang.

"Is it a boner?"

"Umm..."

"Because if you say 'I have a boner' one more _goddam time_ , I will come over and _personally_ kick your ass!"

"We have a visual of the target," Makoto reported.

Misato sighed. "Great. What can you tell me?"

"The target appears to be... a thing."

"What the Hell do you mean, 'a thing?'!"

Makoto sweated. "Ah... it's a... it's a... thing?"

"Can _none_ of you three do _anything_ useful around here? Maya!"

"Yes!" the brunette tech snapped alertly. "The object is cruising at a steady pace towards Central Dogma, it's constant phase pattern gives it a reflective quality that makes it appear like a massive... thing."

"Massive thing," Aoba giggled. "I'll show you a 'massive thing'."

"CUT! Alright, what smartass switched our scripts with Gigguk's?"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

"Alright, alright! Everyone having fun?" the Director shouted to the cast as the lights came back up.

A happy roar replied.

"Everyone ready to see the new stuff?"

Another pleased cheer.

"Hit it!"

The lights went down again.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Shinji numbly trudged into the locker room. Only long habit kept his feet automatically walking him towards the showers and lockers. He stared at nothing as the undressed without thought and dropped his LCL-coated plugsuit into the slot in the wall for it to be taken away and cleaned. He barely remembered to grab his towel before wandering into the showers.

He was already there before a couple of things registered as more than background: The showers were already running, and they were set at an extremely high temperature. The thick clouds of steam nearly blinded him as he stumbled forward. He hissed as his foot touched the water on the tiles. It was hot enough it hurt to step in, almost hot enough to scald his skin at touch. He edged his way around the full-blast stream from the showerheads and carefully turned the temperature way down.

As the temperature dropped, the steam lightened enough for him to see Kaworu, curled into a fetal ball on the floor, the stream blasting right onto him. His skin was very red.

Shinji's eyes snapped wide. "Kaworu!" He grabbed Kaworu's hand and started to pull him out of the stream. "Are you alright?"

Kaworu looked up at him with frantic eyes. "T-t-turn the water back up!"

"What? No!" Shinji gasped. "That water was almost hot enough to scald! You could have been hurt!"

"Yes! Please! I need the pain!"

"What?!"

"It it it it anchors me!" Kaworu stuttered. "I n-n-need the f-f-feeling right now! The pain reminds me who I am! I'm ME! Not him! _Not him!_ "

"I... I don't understand, Kaworu-kun," Shinji shook his head, "But I'm... I'm not going to let you hurt yourself like this. Come... come on. Let's... get you out of here and-"

"Yes! Please!" Kaworu seized his hand with desperate strength. "Get me away from here! Th-th-th-the C-c-call is _bad_ right now! I... I d-d-d-don't know how l-l-long I can hold..."

Shinji felt a chill run down his back at the way Kaworu pleaded with him. "Ok... Ok... come on...we'll...we'll get you home and into bed..."

The lights smoothly dimmed to half strength and a deep base beat began to grow louder, followed by a moaning sax.

"And what are you going to _do_ with me once you've got me into bed, Shinji-kun?" Kaworu purred in a suddenly much smoother voice.

"Why, I can think of a few things to occupy your time, Kaworu-kun," Shinji husked right back. "Maybe that will bring Rei right back. She likes to watch..."

"Bow chicka-wow-wow~~!" Rei said from off camera.

"CUT!"

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

"I can't believe Rei talked us into doing that on the first take," Shinji said, his face in his hands.

"I can't believe we managed to keep a straight face all the way until Rei cracked up," Kaworu said with a smile.

"I can't believe we're not putting that on the 4K Edition Special Features!" Rei complained.

The rest of the cast in the couch area looked at her.

"What? They're hot and it would sell extra copies," she explained.

"Rei, regardless of your actual ages, their _characters_ are not even 16!" Misato pointed out, having returned during the Bloopers.

"Oh, right... damn it," Rei pouted.

Shinji shook his head and looked at Asuka. "Now?" he asked gently.

Asuka bit her lip nervously, then nodded. Together, they stood up and walked towards the Director and his Prog Knife speaking platform.

"Sir? We'd like to make an announcement to the cast, if we could," Asuka asked hesitantly.

The Director looked down at them. "Eh? Sure you can-... wait... you're not pregnant, are you? That would just totally upend the shooting schedule."

"Er..." She and Shinji swapped a look. "No, we're... we're not."

"Ok, sure, go wild then."

He looked back out over the crowd. "Attention, everyone! Our leads have an announcement to make. I bet half of you think you know what it is, so everyone get ready to settle some bets!"

He stepped out of the way and let Shinji and Asuka take over the platform-cum-giant-knife.

"Ah... Hello, everyone," Shinji opened. "Ah... our parents already know, as do Rei and Kaworu, and I'm betting a few of you have guessed-"

"You went and proposed, didn't you?" Misato said with a ear-to-ear grin. "Congratulations, you two! Finally!"

"Er, no," Asuka said.

Misato's face fell, and she stopped reaching for the wad of bills Makoto was starting to hand to her. "Huh? Wait, what?!"

Asuka pulled the chain out of her shirtfront and handed Shinji the ring from it. He knelt down and slipped it on her finger, smiling.

Asuka smirked at Misato. "We got _married_. Nyah!"

"You know what that means, Mrs. Katsuragi?" Mari said with a cat-grin, tapping her on the shoulder.

"I owe you $200," Misato nodded sadly. "Damn it. I was _sure_!"

" _I_ spend all day watching them," Mari said smugly. "I saw when they changed." Mari threw a fist in the air. "Vegas, baby!"

Misato smacked her forehead. "Son of a _bitch_! Those sneaky little-"

"Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!" Gendo boomed, and jumped into the sleigh hooked up behind Pen Pen. With a mighty heave, Pen Pen launched himself into the air, the sleigh following right along behind him. "And to all a _good night_!" Gendo proclaimed.

 **.**

* * *

 **.**

Author's Notes:

1) Yes, I checked.

Keris Dulmeadokht is Immatrael's Exalted PC and star of the campaign EarthScorpion runs for her, _Ascensions and Transgressions_

Usagi is... well, duh. She's also in Immatrael's Sailor Moon fic, _Of The Stars_ _._

Farah is the star of Jackie's _Winchester_ (post-nuke-war trains in the 1970s US), and Rena Van is from her Star Wars story _I, Sith_.

All these can be found on SufficientVelocity. com


End file.
